One day, somebody is going to find out I am a fraud.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Nicky Stevenson, MD of Fine & Country. One of our interviews we talked about why there were only 4 women on the Top 35 influencer list on Property Industry Eye.
That discussion lead to how she was able to climb the ladder in Estate Agency, to the point she is where she is now. Nicky said it was all about silencing her inner voice that she was good enough. It was all about overcoming that fear. She said when she was younger she went backpacking around the world, and in a hostel, she saw this sign
“fear lasts a second, regret lasts forever”
..and since then, she hasn’t let her fear control her life
Talking to some of the biggest names in the industry, you would be amazed that their fears are often holding them back
I have also suffered from this fear and these voices myself, and continue to do so … in fact, there is a name for it, its called ‘Imposter Syndrome’
… and when I realised I had it 4 years ago when my coach told me I suffered from it, it has been a slow and steady journey to sort myself out. I am not there yet, yet I have made great progress, and if by me telling you about it, if I can help you .. the world will be a better place. (it’s also quite cathartic for me!)
So, let’s look at the science first
Apparently, ‘Imposter Syndrome’ is fairly common, principally among high achievers. Research from Google said four out of ten of their employees were currently suffering from the condition and an additional three out of ten had suffered from it in the past, meaning 70% of your senior team have or are currently suffering from the condition.
What are the usual signs of the Imposter Syndrome condition?
Perfectionism – letting agents tend to be perfectionists and suffer from the condition. They hate criticism so overwork themselves to ensure the ball doesn’t get dropped, thus leaving themselves open to the dreaded condemnation.
Next, people who suffer from the syndrome regularly are in conflict, worrying about what people think of them and anxious over being compared to others.
Valuers & Listers can suffer from one particular aspect of the condition. They want everyone to like them and so fear rejection – hence they hate business generation as it is exposing their biggest fear with all the no’s
Some with the condition don’t like conflict, because they care so much about being likeable.
The books also say people with the condition tenaciously stay out of the limelight (hence many of you will come up with every excuse not to do video in your agency when you know it works). They prefer to reach only for safe wins rather than persistently seeking new (yet risky) challenges.
Those tormented with syndrome characteristically work too hard to evade being a target. Even if their boss gives great feedback, they are never really able to accept that feedback because they tell themselves they aren’t good enough and if their boss really knew – the boss would find out they were a fraud.
10 years ago I started an important National job with a national property firm .. a pretty senior role. How the hell did I get this job? Look at my CV, I had a very average Estate Agency career Рnothing fancy. So what I did was put up a fa̤ade and started to pretend I knew what I was talking about... I pretended for the next few years.
I went to all these Neg and ESTAs awards and saw someone who did my job (albeit with another firm) on stage talking. The speaker was easy and confident, like chit-chatting with an acquaintance over a glass of San Blanc instead of in front of a crowd of 400 estate agency faces. I, along with the crowd, was mesmerised by him. I struggled to envisage myself like that, speaking with such poise in front of such a huge crowd. More of that person later
So, for the three or so years at that place, I felt like a fraud. I was doing well, the numbers were coming in and the bosses were really happy, yet still, I had this fear.
I could never have self-confessed these fears to my boss or colleagues, and at the time, not even to myself. If you put on the mask for long enough, even you forget that you are performing. I was acting without self-truth, and insecurity, almost from a foundation of fear and diffidence as it was really hard to work out what was the real me with the pretend me.
Why? Since nothing was more vital than not being found out for a fraud.
I left that job and started my own business in 2013. In 2014, I employed a business coach to help me grow our business. Yet quite quickly, he was helping me with the P&L, etc .. he was helping me with my mind. It was my coach that showed me the path. Six years I am nowhere out of the woods yet, yet I am walking the path and the path is wide and clearly marked. I can see the path to the edge of the wood and the way forward. He taught me these strategies to help me
These are the three things he taught me...
1. Always think best-case scenario instead of the worst-case scenario.
Classic half empty vs half full. Things happen every day that your brain can infer and deduce things from. For example, possibly you were left off of a Zoom meeting with your contemporaries. The imposter’s response is to think the worst of that—oh, they must I am $hite, nothing to add, even ‘oh, no – I’m for the chop’.
The counterattack of those undesirable thoughts is to assume the best. The meeting was nothing to do with me and my dept or something else quite logical. Yet, if you obviously should be at that get-together: they didn’t recognise I should be at that gathering. Hell, it was just a simple omission by the boss's secretary when she got waylaid on a call, meaning quite innocently, they overlooked to type my name in the ‘to’ field.
By accepting the premise that the Imposter Syndrome leans toward being illogical and without a rational basis, then most of the time, the best-case scenario is more probable to be correct than the worst-case scenario? Think I am talking $hite? Then stop construing and making up stories in your head altogether. Puff your chest out, put a rod in your back and just ask the bloody question. Do it writing face to face isn’t your thing
[<insert name>, Hope you don’t me asking why I am getting the feeling that maybe you don’t think I am being a valued team member and contributor to the ABC project. I would love to get your truthful and candid feedback if that’s the case.]
Asking is bloody hard, yet so is enduring the 3am cold sweats at night about your job, like a hundred little sewing pins pricking your skin when it comes to your interpretation of the situation.
2. Concentrate on your strengths of being different rather than your weaknesses.
Imposters are continually trying to fit in with the team, so I viewed my differences as something I had to overcome. For example, you will work with people that might be opinionated and convincing, and so you might see your inwardness and timidity as a failing.
Whist they could decide in seconds and debate as articulately and powerfully for something in a matter of seconds, you are a reflector. I have known many people who thought they were weak, yet those were the same people whose thoughtfulness and their aptitude & skill to look at every side of an argument, meant their conflict resolution skills and problem-solving skills were second to none.
How many of you have seen yourself with shortcomings, yet from a different perspective, they are also strengths? So, what I have learned is, that I tend to look at difficulties with a focus on my strengths instead of focusing on my limitations.
3. Speak about your insecurities to people you trust.
Keeping my weaknesses and fears to myself didn’t do me any good.
Fake it until you make isn’t the route they take. You will never become that individual that makes it. You might believe it, yet you would be so blinkered, that you wouldn’t be able to see the lie of life you had created.
Also, by lying, you are missing out on the peace of mind that comes from being able to candidly admit those fears to people you trust.
Trusting someone, and being vulnerable is one of the scariest things in the world.. yet I did that with my coach.. yet in return, I go something even better .. the power of their understanding, empathy, and sage advice.
Everybody reading this has their own suitcase of $hite worries to deal with. I still have them, yet at least I have admitted most of them and doing something about them
I am not out of the woods yet, yet what I have learned is that the more truthfully you can admit yours, the more willing other people are to help. You don’t need a coach. Sit down with your Bessie mate about how you feel like an imposter at work, because pretending your anxieties, doubts, and fears don’t exist, you will only end up hurting yourself.
Now, I can go on stage in front of hundreds, and going on camera appears not to be an issue.
Yet trust me, doing something many times (public speaking and video) makes anything look easy, yet my fears & anxieties never fully disappear.
So stop faking it until you make it, take on board the three things I have suggested and let me tell you .. it does get easier with time.
By facing your fears, yet not letting them stop you from doing your stuff, you end up start trusting yourself more.
By the actions you do, baby steps to start with, you become less of an imposter as time goes by and instead, you are more of you, you are yourself.
You might think I am talking rubbish, yet I will still try and persuade you.
You belong in your job, you are a bloody awesome agent, yet believe in yourself, believe the best-case scenario, amplify your strengths and talk through your insecurities to your closest friend … because if you do.. and you follow through .. you will be so much happier… you are amazing!
Hope that helps :)
Christopher
PS – that person speaking on stage ten years – I interviewed them last year – they have always felt like an imposter.